We Do by Stan Tatkin

Author:Stan Tatkin
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sounds True

What Are Those Complications?

Folks who have a lot of unresolved trauma are more likely than others to respond to threat cues in the environment. These cues are picked up from dangerous facial expressions, movements, gestures, and vocal tone, as well as dangerous words and phrases. This may make relationships more difficult for them because of their hypervigilance and hypersensitivity to threat cues. If both partners have unresolved issues, this hypersensitivity can multiply and interfere with the couple’s sense of safety and security.

Frankie, a male in his thirties, was engaged to Margaret, a female in her late twenties. As a child—from about ages five to nine—Frankie had been molested repeatedly by an uncle. There was no one for him to go to, so he never told anyone about it. Margaret complained that Frankie would often become physically rigid when she reached out to touch him. He’d pull away quickly and change the subject and the focus of attention. She also complained that they had trouble in bed. Frankie complained that Margaret was disrespectful of his “space” and described her as hypersexual. Because Frankie felt a tremendous amount of shame, he was unable to talk to Margaret. Not only that, he didn’t really understand his behavior because he’d avoided this unresolved experience. His almost constant fear and anxiety about getting close, especially physically, to Margaret, compounded by his fear that she’d break off the engagement, got him to come in for couple therapy. Working through this early trauma with Margaret helped both of them. But more unresolved experiences remained, such as Frankie never feeling protected by either parent and his continual fear of being “prey.”

Cheryl and Jody, both in their midforties, were about to be married. Cheryl complained that Jody would never pay attention and could never remember important things. This became somewhat of a deal breaker because Cheryl believed that Jody either had a memory problem or she simply didn’t care enough about the relationship to pay attention. When they came in for couple counseling, we did some exercises to test short-term memory. What we all discovered was that Jody’s memory was just fine. She also cared deeply for Cheryl. But she felt under constant attack by Cheryl, who continually complained about her forgetfulness. Interestingly, Cheryl didn’t do so well in the memory test, but the reason wasn’t her memory. She had so much unresolved trauma from early childhood around abandonment that whenever she perceived that Jody was withdrawing in any measure, Cheryl would incorrectly appraise Jody’s thoughts, feelings, and intentions. She also misremembered events.

We’re all creatures of adaptation. That’s what we do. As children, we don’t get to choose the family we’re born into. We simply must adapt in order to survive. That’s nature. There’s no good or bad, right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy in nature. Our impressions are subjective and based on past experiences and perceptions. Individuals with uncommonly strong unresolved histories have also adapted to their environment. However, the earlier the adaptation, the more the brain and the body are affected at the cellular and genetic level.

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